Release

Of late,
The hurt and despair of disappointment,
Has been great,
I have been to the brink.
Shutdown.
Meltdown.
Those who know intimately,
The acronym ASD.
May empathise.

But having returned from the abyss.
I find that there is still one threshold to cross.
It is difficult to explain,
But to venture into a place of such mental anguish,
Requires a similar return journey.
The cocktail of cortisol,
Mixed, not stirred,
With dry disappointment.
Leaves the brain numb and on high alert.

It takes a physical release,
A letting go,
To come back.
A long loving embrace,
Or even orgasm,
Achieves this state.

But today I discovered another way.
The reaction was identical,
Long sobs racking my body
Turning to hyperventilation.
I crumpled with the weight of it.
And the cause.
I just sang.

Shut Down

When all your systems shut down,
You cannot speak.
Yet in your head,
The conversation goes on.

They,
The ones who love you,
Ask questions:
You cannot answer,
Will not answer,
Or are so upset,
(Because they know you are mute,
But persist in the  incessant ridiculous questioning,
And back you into a corner)
That you will EXPLODE!
If you answer.

And then you will be ashamed.
Because it is not their fault.
That you are full.

Resolution

Despite my meltdown,
Sometimes only an action from me,
Will break the stalemate.
The time goes on too long,
The distress too great.
The rescuer requires rescuing.
Even when things seem hopeless,
There can be a brief moment,
When a small crack,
Lets in a splinter of light.
I seize the opportunity,
With two hands.
Rip the grey sky apart,
To let in the light.
Feel the warm sun on my face.
Reach for your hand and we go out in it,
Together. 
 

Rather be Hiking

Life is getting far too complicated.
The bucket keeps filling
And its putrid contents overflow,
Days when my head is just above the surface.
Others when I am scrabbling for a life preserver.
Shut-downs, Meltdowns and exhaustion.
Mind either whirring at an unsustainable pace.
Or disconnected in a cluggy, custardy lump.
So I take some time.
And try to take stock.
But life's routines and dramas,
Responsibilities,
And loved one' crisis,
Are inescapable.
The only real way to re-boot this system.
Go into nature,
And keep on walking.

The Flip side of Adrenalin

Fight or flight?
Freeze into a vice like grip.
Fighting words come fast and thick and slice like hot knives.
Cutting deep.
You will not surrender,
Until all that pains you is ameliorated.
Yet you cannot see the way.
The casualties of battle become too great.
Many cowardly acts committed.
The shame unbearable.
The power cannot be maintained.
Will dissipates,
Battles cease.
The war postponed.
Adrenalin keeps the fighting spirit alive.
But at what cost?
Spirit broken, body bruised,
And the terrible weight of fatigue grinds you down into the ground.

Meltdown

Insidious how the stress creeps up.
Bubbling and gurgling just below the surface.
A look, an ill timed word, a mistake,
Will bring the emotions bubbling to your eyes.
You can't always put your finger on the cause.
There are always the warning signs,
The rumbling.
You are impatient and snappy.
Small things irritate you.

Sometimes you can empty out a little of the stress,
By doing something you love.
Sometimes you can't.
And despite all your attempts to calm down,
Find your sanctuary.
Make sense of all the emotions.
One small thing will overfill that bucket
And you blow.

And sometimes there are casualties.
Those inadvertently caught in the crossfire.
And when everything calms down,
You are left to deal with aftermath,
The shame,
And the knowledge that it will inevitably happen again.

ASD and Feeling

How do you explain that you,

Feel too much.

All your waking day,
You put up walls to help insulate you.
So you can function,
As you are 'typically' supposed to.
But behind that wall,
The turbulent miasma,
Of emotional experience builds.
If there is not a slow release of pressure.
When you can,
Under control,
In solitude,
Slowly let them come in,
And gently wash over you,

You drown.

In the rushing waterfall,
Screaming and yelling and fighting till the end.

Or in self-imposed silence.